Top-100 Funny Quotes and Sayings

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Top-100 Funny Quotes and Sayings

1. Women are very good! They can forgive a man…even if he’s not guilty.

2. Now you understand why Peter Pan didn’t want to grow up.

3. If you came to work late, you should at least try to leave it earlier.

4. I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

5. Love is like a fart, if you have to force it, it’s probably crap.

6. You turn me on.

7. 99% of men Love’s Day understand as Making love day.

8. If you fall in love with 2 guys – stay with the second, because if you really loved the first one it would never have happened.

9. I need a vacation, not a stupid weekend.

10. To be faithful to someone who you don’t love- is hypocrisy to yourself.

11. Love has ended, but she will be sorry for that…

12. Love warms you up, when you have it.

Funny quotes about life

13. Love – is an extreme sympathy that leads to bed.

14. A human is afraid of two things: to live and to die. He gets used to everything else gradually.

15. An optimist believes that we live in the best world. A pessimist is afraid that it might be true.

16. A genius lives in every one of us. Each day more and more heavily…

17. If you got tired of living, don’t share your thoughts with all your friends – they might not give you a chance to

18. Change your mind…

19. Once in a while, something fails to fail, and we call it success.

20. I’m not a Facebook status, you don’t have to like me.

21. I don‘t care what was said about me. Just tell me why they were so comfortable to say it to you.

22. I found your nose in my business again.

23. Some people only gets called by their nicknames. Usually it sounds weird to even say their real name.

24. Don’t tell a lot about yourself, behind your back will tell more interestingly about you.

25. If you can’t get someone out of your head then maybe they’re supposed to be there.

26. If Mayans could predict the future, why didn’t they predict their extinction?

27. Did you know that your body is made 70% of water? And now I’m thirsty.

28. Don’t forget that alcohol helps to remove the stress, the bra, the panties and many other problems.

29. Alcohol not only expands the blood vessels but also communications.

30. There is no point of running away form a sniper. You will die from exhaustion.

Funny Quotes and Sayings

31. According to the principle of the sandwich, if you put butter on both sides the sandwich will hang in the air.

32. The longer you sleep – the more sleep you need. The more you eat – the bigger is your appetite.

33. They look so much alike, like two drops from the same end.

34. If the answer to all questions is yes, so why not?

35. There is a lot of conscience in me, but there’s a lack of time.

36. ‘Who the hell allowed me to be born in this stupid head?’ a Thought said and killed herself…

37. Not all the things are that bad, as everything that is wrong so bad.

38. Don’t say that you’re working; better show what you have earned.

39. You’re my favorite thing to do.

40. You are lucky to have me & vice versa. Happy Valentine’s Day!

41. I would press pause on fifa for you.

42. If I had feelings I would have them for you.

43. I turned out liking you a lot more than I originally planned.

44. My husband thinks I’m crazy, however he’s the one who married me.

45. Most of the people dream of not working and having lots of money. During an economic crisis 50 % of those dreams came true.

46. If someone notices you with an open zipper, answer proudly: professional habit.

47. If you’re not supposed to eat at night, why is there a light bulb in the refrigerator?

48. FRIDAY is my second favorite F word.

49. There is a new trend in our office; everyone is putting names on their food. I saw it today, while I was eating a

50. sandwich named Kevin.

51. The speed of light is when you take out a bottle of beer out of the fridge before the light comes on.

52. To weigh 50 kilos and say that you’re fat, that is so female…

53. I have been to many places but my goal is to go everywhere.

54. Team work is important; it helps to put the blame on someone else.

55. Work is for those who don’t know what fishing is!

56. I need a six month vacation, twice a year.

57. People who have their shifts on weekends hate when you talk how much happy you that it’s Friday.

58. Sometimes I write down my tasks that I have already done just to get the satisfactions of crossing them off.

59. You’re my favorite thing to do.

60. You are lucky to have me & vice versa. Happy Valentine’s Day!

61. Sometimes even when you brake you can’t stop.

62. It is not bad if you got stood up, it is worse if you liked it.

63. I love to travel. It’s a way of meeting new people, opening the gates of new cities. Signed by Genghis Khan.

64. Everyone has a conscience: it doesn’t matter if he wants it or not.

65. It seemed like we were screwed. It appeared it didn’t seem like that.

66. A badge on the 150 kilo man: I’m tired of living; ask me if I want to lose weight.

67. After another crisis it is getting obvious why the spoon is used according to the design. However, we use it as a musical instrument.

68. Carlson is not that scary, only his propeller is.

69. Alcohol not only helps to make new acquaintances, but also end the old once.

70. If only I knew that I will have this headache today, I would have got drunk yesterday.

71. All the problems fade before a hangover…

Life Quotes – Cool Funny Quotes

72. Sorry, I think I missed the reason why your opinion should be important.

73. Life is the internet. 30 days after you met she wants you to register and begins taking taxes every month.

74. Life is life, no matter the pose.

75. Love is blind, only marriage opens your eyes.

76. Love is a field of chemistry, and sex – of physics.

77. Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.

78. So there would be something to be silent about, there is always something to talk about.

79. A trolley infected with a controller is like a rotten apple: not that bad from the outside, but used only in extreme cases.

80. Winged phrases are passed from mouth to mouth, and that way they multiply.

81. Colorblind are lucky people! They don’t notice the greyness of the daily routine.

82. Friends come and go. Enemies pile up.

83. You don’t have to have friends; you just have to be friends with them.

84. My friend’s friend is my friend. My friend’s girlfriend is my friend. My friend’s boyfriend is just a scum.

85. It is good when a dog is your friend, but when your friend is a dog…

86. Occasionally, a true friend gives his paw not his hand…

87. Money only impresses lazy girls. When a woman works hard, a man with money is a bonus, not a ladder to upgrade.

88. I have a hangover. I didn’t even drink last night; I just have kids.

89. I am in a relationship with working and it’s complicated.

90. Life is a comedy for those who think, but a tragedy for those who feel.

91. Why is the day that you do laundry, cook, clean, iron and so on, called a day off?

92. You can consider yourself lucky in life, if the cognac you drink is older than the woman that you’re sleeping with.

93. You only see that the money is not the most important thing in life when you have it.

94. Don’t look for ‘the one’ in night clubs and bars; she is sleeping at home during the night.

95. Why when a girl sleeps with a guy she is called a slut, but if a guy sleeps with a slut – that is not the same?

96. Don’t look for a perfect woman – today I will be at home…

97. Is the day that you do laundry, cook, clean, iron and so on, is also called day off?

98. You should make a great man for yourself, but not get a made one.

99. The pleasures of life can be both innocent and guilty.

100. No other hobby takes away so much time, money, strength and health as a woman.

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